Tired of sitting on the couch and doing ab flexes on commercial breaks? Sick of saying maybe to Facebook invites? Listen, those unwanted nose hairs aren’t going to fall out themselves, so read every single sentence and let me show you how to incorporate these habits into your daily life.
Don’t brush your teeth, seriously. Every meal is an experience and your teeth are basically your second string brain. You wouldn’t want to erase your whole BACHELOR’S DEGREE from your brain, so don’t brush away your experience.
Do eat and drink plenty of fruit. Not just the boring stuff like apples and bananas, that’s not success. Anything with “fruit” in it is fair game. Crispy Pear Bath and Body Works shower gel? Fair game, munch it.
Don’t forget where you came from, at all times. As a highly successful person everyone wants to frame you so you must know all of your tracks. “Hello officer, no I did not murder my neighbor because 27 minutes ago I had to make a quick trip to Costco’s to purchase toothpaste in bulk.”
Do delete all your emails and messages right when you wake up. Some people say to wait at least an hour after you wake up to check messages, but if you’re successful why check them? As soon as you open your eyes delete every single item and get ahead.
Don’t exercise at all. Successful people don’t let their bodies tell them what to do, they tell their bodies what to do. Instead, yell at your chest every five hours “GET FIT!” and reap the benefits.
Do something scary and challenge yourself. See how many banks you can rob without killing someone or see how many explicit texts you can send to your wife’s sister while blaming it on autocorrect.
Don’t be nice to anyone, not even your cat. Never say “thank you” and throw the door behind you. Before you know it people will be throwing every compliment they can think of your way. Why? Because they now hate themselves and need to hear that they’re worth something from you.
Do invest in every company that makes chips. It will never go out of business and every successful person knows that you make a dollar every time someone eats a chip. People may ask why and you tell them “Are you hungry? Not now but you can still eat a chip.” Amazing right?
Don’t read a new book each week, just write one instead. Pick a new genre every week and throw it on your newsfeed for sale. Everyone will respect your work ethic and broad range of knowledge in literature. Can someone say, Horrorromantica non-fiction?
AND number 10? Never finish strong, save your energy for your own well being.
If this doesn’t work for you in 48 hours, you will qualify for a free jar of success straight from my storage. What is a jar of success? Find out next time in my next article, “How HIGHLY Successful People keep being Successful.”
9:45pm You walk up your friends apartment stairs, each step you take creates a jingle. Tom Hanks in Big is hip again. You hit the doorbell app on your phone and your friend greets you, “Ricki Lake?” —- your friend is correct. You’re not just any Ricki Lake, you’re Ricki Lake with no eyebrows and a blonde pixie cut. That’s because on March 2, 2016 Ricki Lake brought her show back with her first guest, a non-profit bodega owner and her musical guest, the power duo of Fetty Wap and Lil Uzi Vert.
9:52pm The biggest disappointment you’ve seen tonight is at least eight “Fat Suit Weeknd” because sadly The Weeknd let himself go kinda going that D’Angelo route, it’s cool though because at least you’re original.
10:10pm You’ve walked past four different conversations about being suspicious that someone is lying about rolling on Molly. There is actually a girl here named Molly dressed as a roll of toilet paper, mad lazy.
10:30pm The buzz was killed for a while after one of your friend’s roommates went on a rant about vaping in the apartment messing up the HVAC or something. I mean, I get it.
10:35pm Dude dressed up as a vampire in the KKK makes you swig from his bottle of Jameson. Why does every dude with a patchy dirty blonde beard carry Jameson?
10:37pm The same guy tries to put on “Cartoon theme songs from the 90s” from YouTube onto the speakers.
11:00pm Game changer walks in, the costume name is Young Thug as a Baby. Can’t describe it but he’s in a stroller so that’s enough.
11:01pm Apparently Charles Barkley is coming or some shit?
11:03pm Who the fuck would make up that lie?
11:30pm Swear to god, all the fat suit Weeknds just got into a fight trying to sing to The Hills have Eyes Pt. II TrapDMIX
11:48pm YO WOW CHARLES BARKLEY SHOWS UP FUCKED UP
11:55pm YO WOW HE JUST ROCKED YOU IN THE JAW OH MY GOD
12:35am No idea how it’s one thirty already.
1:30am No idea how it’s two thirty already, might be concussed.
HALLOWEEN TWO SIXTEEN CAN’T WAIT
The popular animated series Scooby Doo was based off of a traveling 60s swinger’s club that utilized safewords.
What were these safewords? Jinkies and Zoinks
WOW MIND BLOWING? Click next to see the 10 most famous people who went into a coma while eating chips!
I decided to watch some commercials for household products and look at passionate comments
Yea fuck Bounty yo, they don’t ever show the mom yelling at you cause you got lazy and decided to cover the leftovers with paper towels.
Villiam just being Villiam.
This is from a Clorox Wipes commercial.
Shoutouts to some people beating off to Charmin bears that’s mad original. I also interpreted “XenSmithy” telling us that he uses his hands.
This is just a bonus from Trina’s hit song “That’s my Attitude”
Jake Weisman is an LA based comedian and a member of WOMEN, a sketch comedy group that you can watch on IFC or Youtube if you’re a purist. He was nice enough to take time out of his cute ass schedule to answer my dumb ass questions. You should also follow him on Twitter
You’re in LA now, is that where you started standup?
Yes, I started doing stand-up about six years ago in Los Angeles and have lived here since I started. I started standing up, in general, about six months to a year after I was born.
How did you meet the rest of the members in WOMEN?
I met them all through open mics, doing stand-up. When you start doing comedy, you’re on your own and sad, lonely, broke and desperate. If you do it for awhile you watch a ton of comedy and meet some comics who have similar sensibilities. Then those people end up becoming your comedy slash business partners slash best friends for life.
Your newest sketch, “Still-Open Case Files”, was hilarious it reminded of an A&E show I’d watch hungover. What’s been your favorite sketch to film so far? I’m guessing “Look at Allen” has to be top five?
It’s hard to pick a favorite. It’s usually the last thing you’ve made that is your favorite. We have three more sketches coming out for IFC.com in the next month and all of them are my new favorite. This is a Sophie’s Choice situation, but both kids and the mother have to die. That doesn’t make sense, but Sophie’s Choice is so intense! Every time I hear the name Sophie I assume the person is French even though I know a Sophie who is not French at all. The brain works in mysterious ways!
How has it been now with IFC? I’m assuming a higher budget means bigger ideas but is it a bigger challenge to release a sketch now?
It’s been truly incredible to have money to make things. I mean, my dream is to be able to perform and/or make comedy and get paid for it, so this really is a dream come true. We made sketches for many years with no money and we had to fit our ideas to having no money. So, to have any money at all feels like a miracle. I don’t think it’s a bigger challenge now. We have had bigger ideas for years but couldn’t make them because we didn’t have the means to do them. But those years of making things with no money really taught us how to make something small look more expensive than it was. So I think when IFC decided to fund our videos, we were ready for the challenge. We know how to work as a team to make a little bit of money go a long way. Making things on your own, as a team, prepares you for so many things later in your career, I am finding.
You’re great on Twitter, I’ve heard of people doing it for standup but have any of your popular tweets inspired a sketch?
I think a few tweets have inspired sketches, actually! The thing is, we really believe in having hard jokes in our sketches, so that works well in terms of writing jokes on Twitter, and then translating them to sketch form. We also have short videos, usually, so often they are just one joke executed well and once the joke is over, the sketch is over. I think the sketch COMA we did for IFC started off as a tweet I wrote about how if people woke up from a coma nowadays they wouldn’t be that upset they lost all those years of life because weed is legal now. So stupid. But probably true. 420! 69! Bob Marley! Marijuana!
Your Instagram is inspiring also, who’s the last person you’ve vividly imagined stabbing? I could name at least three of mine off the bat. I am terrified of being stabbed. It is probably the worst way to die. The only people I want to stab are those damn minions.
Okay who do you fuck with more, B2K Omarion or Bow Wow while he was beefing with Lil Romeo?
I’m mad at Bow Wow for dropping the “Lil” from his name and I am a pretty big fan of Omarion because of his starring role in You Got Served. So, I guess Omarion. I think if you start your musical career with “Lil” in front of your name, you have to keep it. That’s just my philosophy. Fuck you Bow Wow! JK, love you babe.
What was the last thing you got unecessarily pissed about? I didn’t like that the ATM showed my account balance after I chose “no receipt”.
Probably the fact that I had to get two surgeries on my spine this summer and it has changed the course of my life for a little while.
Thanks for doing this even if it’s a complete waste of your time! Any upcoming projects or shows?
Please make sure to check out the WOMEN sketches on IFC.com coming out. And some other stuff coming up soon which I can’t announce yet but it will be awesome. That sounds so mysterious. Ooh I am so special!
“Yo fuck you Habibi, I’m taking this bread nigga…” were the words spoken by Cameron Giles before he lured a store owner outside to murder him. “How horrific!” some would say but that would only be said by the uninitiated. There was something deeper in Killa Season, a classic urban tale overshadowed by mainstream Hollywood giants.
How many movies could you name that showed a man getting pistol whipped for asking for a dollar after seeing the protagonist give bills to little kids? One. How many movies could you name that showed the protagonist spitting on an enemies little daughter as revenge? One. How many movies could you name that had Ma$e in the opening montage? I hope one.
There aren’t A-list actors in the movie, these are real people, like “definitely did at least 30 different takes for one scene” people. This is the beauty of Killa Season. No part of the script was cut out or edited, all the swearing and rambling was kept in. Even if the dialogue didn’t move the story along, it was kept in. Even when you’re thinking “These dudes are speaking like they’re reading in front of the class in English 101” at some points, it doesn’t matter. Why? Because it’s Cam’Ron. This is the movie America needs to see because with imperfection creates beauty. Even the wardrobe designer was raw, yo. I spotted a white durag with a white champ hoodie and white air force ones, too raw.
We know most people who’ve watched this movie are Dipset fans. That is where the problem lies in the world. Teachers, doctors, NASCAR drivers, poets, middle management, and volunteer soccer coaches should all watch this. The world could share the same language, the same experience, and the same soul. First time I got through this movie I had to listen Purple Haze (2004) two times in a row just to wash down my experience. Cam’Ron didn’t waste his time making this for his entertainment, he made it for us. Before you eat dinner or screenshot some shit your mom texted you just to get some giggles on Facebook, input “Killa Season” into the Youtube search bar and change your life.
Like Cam always said, “Thats my man anytime I holla, holla with me/We shared chicken sandwiches they was a $1.50/ Budget seven dollars, nickel bag and White OwI/ I hope the chicken sandwich last us through the night child.”
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